she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
