Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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