I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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