I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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