Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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