Just mADE A PArabola og urine
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
