if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
