I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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