Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
