So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
