I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
