I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
