it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
