I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
