Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
