I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
