I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
