His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
