One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Can you bring me the toilet please
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
