I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
