I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
