I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
