There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
