One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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