so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
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