I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
They have beer where we have blood.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
