Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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