Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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