This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
