No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
