apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
