I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
