you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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