i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
