He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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