never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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