Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
