I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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