Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
