I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
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We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
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I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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