my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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