So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
