Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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