Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
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Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
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He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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