The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
