Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
