Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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