My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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