soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dicks are not precious.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
