my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
