I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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