Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
