How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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