Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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