Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
