I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
