Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
