I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
