i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
