the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
