I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
