did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
where are you?
Hypothermia
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
